These puns did not make me laugh.

"ttyymmnn" (ttyymmnn)
02/27/2020 at 18:36 • Filed to: None

But now they’ve groan on me.

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I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore.

I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

DISCUSSION (31)

Spanfeller is a twat > ttyymmnn
02/27/2020 at 18:48

Oof... You must be a lvl 99999 Dad in order to pull those off...

Jim Spanfeller > ttyymmnn
02/27/2020 at 18:49

I hate you a nd I love you. These puns have ruined my day and will be the highlight of my week so far. Thank you and darn you.

These need to come with a warning not to read them all at once. It’s all too much, really.

Also, I’ve seen pictures of a supposedly new wooden supercar, but I’m pretty sure it’s just a Lumberghini, bro.

sony1492 > ttyymmnn
02/27/2020 at 18:50

Kinja'd!!!

ttyymmnn > Spanfeller is a twat
02/27/2020 at 18:50

I’d love to say I wrote them, but I didn’t.

ttyymmnn > Jim Spanfeller
02/27/2020 at 18:51

I thought about releasing one a day for a couple of weeks, but I went ahead and dumped them all.

Chariotoflove > ttyymmnn
02/27/2020 at 18:52

A couple of old standards sprinkled in there, but over all a list I can use to torture my family tonight. Well done.

Jim Spanfeller > ttyymmnn
02/27/2020 at 18:53

That’s what I tell my plumber...

ttyymmnn > Chariotoflove
02/27/2020 at 18:54

I found these in an old email. There is some really good, fresh stuff here.

I went to the German restaurant for some traditional sausage. I told the waiter , “Do your wurst!”

I actually just thought of that one. I was going to say, “Have fun, and do your worst.”

Chariotoflove > ttyymmnn
02/27/2020 at 18:57

Oh, so now you’re an author too? Not to stop you from trumpeting your skills, but this isn’t your forte. You should learn to conduct yourself better.

But then, anyone coda told you that.

ttyymmnn > Chariotoflove
02/27/2020 at 19:20

I will not rest until I’ve composed more.

MM54 > ttyymmnn
02/27/2020 at 19:21

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on ahead”

RallyWrench > Jim Spanfeller
02/27/2020 at 19:22

There’s an announcer at Laguna Seca who pronounces it “LUMBERGEENI” and “LUMBERGEENUS” (plural) like a trackside Wilford Brimley on the PA , it’s classic.

Chariotoflove > ttyymmnn
02/27/2020 at 19:32

Reminds me of the ancient joke (in variations depending on what kid tells it) :

They heard scratching from Be ethoven’s grave, so they opened it up. Inside they found him with sheet music and an eraser. He said, “close the lid, I’m decomposing!

ttyymmnn > MM54
02/27/2020 at 20:14

Solid.

ttyymmnn > Chariotoflove
02/27/2020 at 20:16

Do you know why Bach had so many children?

His organ had no stops.